From iGeek
Either you know, or you don't. If you think you know, you don't know.
Either you know, or you don't. If you think you know, you don't know... or common sense, isn't. There are no 5 stages of grief, there is no duration of grief, there is no "getting over it", any more than you "get over" losing a limb or your hearing. You can go forward, but your past will always be your past, and will have changed you.
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Created: 2023-03-30 
  • What is a widow?
  • What is it like?
    • The 5 Stages of Greif Fallacy
  • What does the journey look like?

Understanding[edit | edit source]

Widows Fire[edit | edit source]

Widows fire is the craving intimacy and touch. For some, physical/sexual is more important, for most it’s at least some emotional with the physical. Not just the penetration, but cuddle, touches, and even the dialogue and other stuff as well. We miss having a partner. But it’s not always practical, so at least fuck me and tell me I’m pretty.

  1. body, craves, intimacy, security, and you can get that with sex and/or orgasms
  2. grief causes your body to be slammed with cortisol, and you are starving for dopamine.
  3. So like your body craving meat or spinach when you’re low in iron, your body craves sexual release like you’re a teenager
  4. the problem is sex with someone new or strange, may not come with the security and safety of your spouse. Especially for women. So you get a little dopamine, but not nearly as much per act as you’re used to. Plus there’s a bigger learning curve with pleasing most women, That means they might not be pushing the right buttons at the right time. Does the lack of satisfaction makes it like you’re hornier than ever.
  5. a b.o.b. (battery operated boyfriend) and a lot of digital stimulation, massage, etc, helps a little, but not much. Because it’s not just the sexual release, but also that safety and security and intimacy that we crave. And that takes more than just scratching an itch.

--- One nighter, FWB, or replacement therapy? I went the other way… I found someone I gave a shit about and I clicked with. Intimacy wanted a depth, plus potential performance issues (someone vested would be more understanding). I wasn’t wrong. (Cortisol attacks around grief definitely effects penile rigidity… it’s hard to be a porn star when the fight or flight mechanism is broken and telling you to go into frightened turtle mode… or thoughts, “this is nice/fun/different… OMG not my wife... she’s hot, let me please her, um, I’m not supposed to be doing/enjoying this… oh you like that baby/What the fuck am I doing?”) Without pharmaceutical assistance, just a passing thought could cause a lack of reliability. (Aka viagra was partly created for widower syndrome… aka new ED that happens to some widowers). I could count the lifetime failure to perform on one hand without using thumb or pinky before. (alcohol related). After, it was unpredictable… but 1/2 a pill was enough to let me drive nails around the house with it. Also climax control went down for a while. (More often with not being able to climax). Strangers would cause more judgement that it was them or me. Another widow and someone I liked, just got it more and understands. So I can understand using some strange to bury the evidence of any shortcomings. (Aka hit and run)… but that’s not my style.


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Guide to Widowing
After 32 years with the "love of my life", I joined the Widow's Club, then learned everything I could, and summarize it in this book.

Tags: Guide to Widowing/all

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