Day 9

From iGeek
< Grief
GriefDay 9
Happy Birthday. What do I want? Reincarnation? I still lived the day, and it wasn't a bad day.
Happy Birthday. What do I want? Reincarnation? I still lived the day, and it wasn't a bad day. I feel like if I stop enjoying, I'm not living up to Melissa's goals for me (or honoring her memory of living every day well for herself). So I miss her so much, but grateful that we had 32 great years together -- and I can't waste life's gift pouting and in self pity.
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Created: 2023-03-31 

59 Candles
  1. Yesterday I got the car safety inspected and the registration mailed off, did more paperwork/mail (almost there), dealt with notifying a few more people that hadn't known about M, or asked questions on FB or via Melissa's phone/texts... I informed one old friend that was always concerned that my Political venting on FB would hurt my advancement in Silicon Valley. Of course he's right, but I bit my tongue and had to shutup all day, every day, to get along; I needed an outlet against collectivist bullying. He reminded me of a few times that I'd stepped up to try to help him out, including one that I'd mostly forgotten, where I'd taken corporate political risks to press why was he getting black-balled? It was really nice that he remembered a small act of kindness.
  2. I decided to take a break from adulting and watch a movie in the theaters. I'd seen the other 3 John Wick's by myself, so why not #4? Melissa liked Fast and Furious, Mission Impossible or Bond type action, but not Wick type action. And I liked Films more (it was the only shared activity of my Mom and me?), while M was also harder to slow down (She worried about all the stuff she could do in that time). In the end, the series had started with stylistic over-the-top Gun-Fu choreography but got more and more absurd as the series wore on. This one continued the trend of "Peter Jackson's brevity with Michael Bay's camera style" into one continues shoot-out... but added sword play with moronic bullet proof suit invincibility. It would have been a complete write-off, except for a brilliant top-view action scene that brought 2.5D gaming to film; but 169 minutes long, for 5 minutes of "oh that's new/well done", is a hefty price. It could have been 45+ minute shorter and not left out any key killing/plot points. It ended the series, and left room for the spin-offs based on the characters; Black Wick, Blind Wick and Chick Wick. (Seriously). They were only missing Gay Wick and Teenage Angst Wick.
  3. Today I woke up to my first Birthday without Melissa. Ah yes, grief is a series of firsts. I never cared about Birthdays, partly because my family sometimes forgot mine... and when they didn't, it would have likely been better if they had. Mom always knew the perfect gift for herself, and figured if she liked it that I would too, and we were polar opposites. Like the Laguna Beach Art-Glass paperweight for my High School Graduation, just what every teenage boy wants! So before Melissa, Birthdays were a disappointment. After her, it was more about her company than gifts. But while cleaning/organizing, I found enough old Visa gift cards to her, that are are burning a hole in my pocket.
  4. I was reflecting on why I'm was recovering from a devistating loss so much better than many others I read/watch about. Of course, I think some more of it will hit me after the memorial, and this is really passed. But occasional crying jags, and forced adulting? Meh. Living without her smile or wrinkled brow frown line? That's hard.
Not to go melancholy/dark but...
  • I spent the first 8 years of my life self sufficient and without enough of the maternal love of a Mom. She was barely 19 when she had me, and I reminded her of her biggest mistake. (I did get love from Grandparents during summers, or neighbors Mom's that felt bad for me, especially after knowing my Mom).
  • I remember being left alone frequently in our ghetto appartment with vivid memories of my cooking stool (so I could stand on it to see onto the stove when I cooked myself meals); we moved from that place in 1st grade, and I was a year ahead.
  • The next place (Fountain Valley), I remember being alone so much (both parents worked), that when I came home one day, I pondered suicide to teach them a lesson. I had the chefs knife and was considering whether I should run into a wall with it pointed at my gut, or fall on it. But I was pretty sure it wouldn't be as neat and painless as TV shows implied, and didn't like the idea of failure. We moved a while later, and then my brother was born.
  • When Devon was born, I spent the next 8+ years seeing that it wasn’t that Mom was completely incapable of giving love — just unwilling to give it to me (but would to him). Friends would ask the obvious, "How does it feel being the less preferred child?"... I started being a bitter/mean/angry as a teen (shocking, I know). I was picked on as a kid and abused by step-Dad, so around 8th grade I started to repeat the pattern. A school counseler asked me if I wanted to become what I despised, and it took me a few years of self-reprogramming to break that pattern, but I diverted it to becoming a martial artist that taught others how to defend against bullies.
  • I had figured out sexual intercourse with the help of my brother's babysitter for a 6 month fling at age 9 (a story for another time). Then we tragically moved, and I spent most of my teen years trying to find another girlfriend to reciprocate love with. But I was pimply, precocious, genius/geek kid with low self esteem and often withdrawn. Let's just say I went through a ten year dry spell... at the time, I turned my free time into computer hacking, cracking and Aerospace consulting before I was out of High School.
  • Then in my 20s I got a weird virus, that turned into social phobia/anxiety disorder -- so I had to re-program and desensitize myself for years to get over that, along with the isolation it brought. (Still not a fan of long drives).
  • The point is not "woe is me"... or "I had a tough life"... during those times, I always knew people that had it far worse. It's that my heart survived without the reciprocation of love for the first couple decades of my life and I was able to use it to make myself into a better person. I forgave my Mom and Step-Dad (more or less), and moved on. Thus an era of no love/intimacy is just telling the loner he has to be a loner again. Meh. While I FAR prefer being a partner, I just don’t have any of the fear/angst that many others seem to. And I'm older, wiser, have a far better circle of friends/family/communuty and activities than I did back then. So I miss the opportunities of not being able to make her happy -- because that made me almost as happy as when I was annoying her. But someday, I assume I'll find another cute girl to tug at her pony tail. And until then, I'm fine.
  • It feels like there's this undertone when people say, "Are you alright?", like they're saying, "You're not going to take yourself out, are you?" There's a light mental chuckle... this sucks. Bad. I miss my wife many times a day. But I got 32 of the best years of my life with a woman I loved. I'm going to carry our memories forward. If I ever took myself out, it would be because of irreversible medical issues, not because of loneliness. And I have plenty of activities and can self-entertain to not really be lonely. I don't mind myself. I just really miss her.


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02/18 my wife had a 2023_Heart_Attack, and passed away on 03/22/23; the hardest day of my life. Except for the ones after it.

Tags: Grief

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