Grief; the gift that keeps giving. But I have had, and still have, a privileged life.
Created: 2023-03-30
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- Silver Spoons
- Woke up this morning with the first thought being that I miss my wife, but I didn't bawl. I only misted up or cried a few times yesterday. But little things are triggers. Telling people that didn't know. Talking with people that know but miss her. Or something dumb, like I got an add for a local Farmers Market that started up, that she would have loved.
- Yesterday, was also my normal "shooting night". A friend (Mike) and I, do the range, and then get steak night at the local pub. After not doing that for a couple months, it was nice. I bummed him out / caught him up on everything on much of the drive there. (Partly to just answer any lingering questions). Then we shot, and talked mostly about other things the rest of the time. Some is related by adapting to self-sufficiency, but it's more about new normal, than just let's wallow. I shot good enough. I was doing small guns (CCW), and still intrigued that I shoot my S&W Shield significantly better than the Glock 34x (Melissa's gun, that I like better). The mushy glock trigger sucks, but if I can get better with it, it should mean I'm even better with other guns.
- I'm on a "Young Widowers" support group at the suggestion of a friend of exactly my age (3 days difference), who lost his wife of 25 years (2 years ago). For him, most of the widow support groups were people significantly older than us, and he couldn't relate, but the Young Widow site has mostly people younger (raising families, etc). and it's not completely relatable either. There needs to be a middle aged widow site. People that get 80s references, but aren't looking for FWB's and don't get references about Howdy Doody and Andy's Gang.
- Since many seem to be young(er), they talk about things like guilt and dating (or using dating sites just to try to make friends). And those seem correlated for them. They want life to go on, and not be stuck in the house -- but they are worried about disgracing the memory of their loved ones.
- A few seem to discuss that they got on dating sites after 1 month, just to connect to others (they were trolling for friends, but fuck-buddies). Zero judgement on my part. They're younger, had shorter relationships (thus I hope shorter recoveries), and likely had slower deaths due to cancer/etc. -- I can understand their need for connection. The problem is if they don't connect with another widow/widower, the new person can't relate to their connection with their dead partner. ("Get over it"). So it doesn't seem to end well for many.
- Fortunately, I have plenty of friends and family to talk to, so don't need to (or want to) troll those waters. I had good talks with friends/family that are still accepting and grieving; Debi, Gina, Mary (Mom), as well as friends and others. So not collapsing into the pit of solitary confinement. I'm learning from watching these groups, others, and myself, that there are these waves of normalcy, guilt over the normalcy ("how can you laugh", etc.). But life is for the living, and it has to go on.
- There are things that interest me on the groups though, like people moving to try to escape the memory of their past, and so on. And a lot that I can't related to -- like those having to find new co-Parent for their children, or that they want to start a family before it's too late for them, but they aren't ready. I can't directly relate to all of it, but some of it. (Not planning on any big changes for a while).
- I ran into the guys at the gym this morning on the way to my swim. And talked with the guy (Richard) that I'd unloaded on last Wed. We laughed, "It'd have been a great line, if I hadn't of lost my shit". He was more concerned about connecting up and what he could have done to help (unless you do re-incarnations, there isn't much). So a few of us exchanged contact info. And I remembered their names from last week. This sounds silly, but names were not my thing, I remember conversations (and can often play them back verbatim) and people, just not names -- Melissa remembered names/relations/and so on. We joked that between us, we make a good person. Now that she's gone, I've got to pickup the slack. And my brain seems to be adapting. I can't rely on her any more. Hopefully, this sticks and I can become a better person by being more like her.
- The grief makes your emotional cup full, seems to be a really good metaphor I invented. It works for me, and others I talked to in greif. Little things just cause the cup to spill over. So something like the loss of a neighbor you hardly knew, a pet, or anything goes from sad, to tragedy.
- Our housecleaner and I talked about grief; she liked Melissa and could tell what a sparkling person she was. And she talked about the loss of her baby -- and how she reacted to that. It was good that I could listen to someone else's story and let them vent, even many years later. It seems to be everyone's way of saying, "this person mattered!" I told her about the thing that helped me; that we don't put them behind us, just carry them forward with us. And she liked that. She thinks that wave 2 of greif will hit me, once I get past the memorial. Because for now, I'm keeping busy with that, and planning, and trying to pickup the slack around the house, etc... but then the new normal sets in, and it's without my love.
- In the end, I have it easy. I got used to living without intimacy as a child, we... er, I now, don't have any financial struggles (just lots of obligations that keep me busy). I had to prepare on the idea that I might lose her someday, and had a month of yo-yo ups and downs and crying at potential losses of her quality of life (please don't make my baby blind), and all that makes acceptance much easier for me than most. I don't have work over-pressuring me. I have great support from friends/family, and I can keep busy with some activities (and have to). I don't have the stress of young kids and finding them a replacement parent, or being an insecure female with her biological clock ticking while coping with that loss, and I'm not losing my home (as some go through). I'm not a shut-in. So I try to keep perspective. My grief is real, but I'm crying with a silver spoon in my mouth. I lost the best person I know, and had a great life/partner that I appreciated and celebrated for 32 years, but never could have appreciated enough. Yet there are a lot of people out there that have it a LOT worse than I do, even if I was married to a wonderfully giving, neat/organization freak, ADHD energizer bunny, almost-saint (with a large helping of stubborn). God, I miss her every day.
- Now back to admnistration... have to get the car safety inspected for re-registration, keep powering through 5+ weeks of mail, and figure out a filing/property management system that was NOT designed by an engineer or for one.
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Tags: Grief
