Day 4

From iGeek
< Grief
GriefDay 4
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Diving in to study grief. My emotional cup is full, and adding anything else, causes it to spill over.
Diving in to study grief. Not to be consumed by it, but to understand it. Grief is like antidepressants on me; it makes me more emotional. Basically, my emotional cup is filled, and adding anything else, causes it to spill over. But still making small steps forward -- as long as forward isn't away from Melissa/past, but bring us both forward.
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Created: 2023-03-26 


  • Photo A longtime friend (Gary) sent his contact photo for Melissa and it captured her light perfectly. Wonderful and horribly cutting at the same time. I love/hate that photo so much. At least it cleared out my sinuses.
  • Diving in Geeks and hackers don't avoid, they twiddle, read, experiment, explore. So I'm starting to do books on tape, videos, and other things on Grief. Some of it is that I can analyze away some pain. Mostly, it's that I can more easily accept what I understand. (Even if my understanding is just a construct or model, it still helps).
TED Talk
Nora McInerny: We don't "move on" from grief. We move forward with it. -- that added something of value to my understanding.
  1. "100% of the people you love are going to die." I knew this. But it helps to remember that suffering is the human experience.
  2. Many talk about the dead in the present tense, because they are still a part of our lives (and will be). These experiences still formed us.
  3. You don't move on -- because that implies forgetting your past. Just like you can't/shouldn't move past good things (and good people), you can't just cast aside the bad because it's uncomfortable. That's a lot easier bar. Saying, I have to forget about the last 32 years (and the hole in my life) seemed like a pretty insurmountable task. But saying you need to drag that baggage forward with you from now on, isn't easy. But easier.
TED Talk
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Nora McInerny - We don't "move on" from grief. We move forward with it.
  • Grief is like Antidepressants Just a little while ago (20 years ago when we were in Ohio, sigh) I'd mentioned to a doctor that I sleep 5-6 hours/per night. She thought that was way too little, and said it was probably a serotonin deficiency and I should try anti-depressants. (I think it was more internal conflict over not beating the shit out of an asshole boss). I tried many drugs in my youth why not prescription ones? Make me happy, instead of apathetic. A week or two later, I'm sitting there watching TV, just bawling at some dumb commercial that came on. That is NOT my character/personality. I flushed those fucking pills, changed doctors, and became a lot more sympathetic to PMS/moodiness. (Seriously - if my mood could change that dramatically due to a little brain chemistry, I got how that could happen to women via hormones. I went from being casually sensitive to moood swings, to sincerely understanding. It sucks). To me, grief feels like when I was on anti-depressants. It seriously screws with the brain chemistry. Triggers lead to a flood of chemicals. It's not just thoughts (though that's part of it), but it feels biochemical. As Spock would say with one eyebrow raised, "Fascinating".
Feelings
  1. Look, I get feelings, and I normally keep them nicely organized in their compartments to pull them out when appropriate (and beat them down with a stick when they get out of hand). I kid. I don't really have suppressed feelings, usually more controlled ones -- that I let them play day-to-day, until they misbehave and then try to put them in their cage when they get a little unruly.
  2. I had an anxiety disorder (broken fight-or-flight mechanism) that I slowly had to learn how to control and desensitize myself to. It's never "gone", just better managed.
  3. I had some teenage anger issues over being the unloved and abused child, which was morphing from being the abused to the abuser. It took my teens to learn to tame that beast, but I reprogrammed it and became the Martial Artist that combatted bullying. Via Martial Arts, meditation, and mind-over-body, I've been able to control a lot of things (body or mind hacking). The first step is figuring out the source of the problem. I'm sort of observing this Grief monster, and pondering the control points.
  4. When I get depressed (rarely), it's been because something (like antibiotics, intestinal distress, severe pain, etc) that fucked with my gut biome and that cascades to mood.
  5. Grief isn't just pouty, angry, loss, or some simple feeling that I can control. It's more like a flood of chemicals that is randomly ambushing me: triggered by some thought. Almost like a phobia (anxiety disorder). (Phobics aren't afraid of the phobia subject, they are usually afraid of the pain of the anxiety attack they get when they see their trigger).
  6. I'm finding two main triggers:
    1. Memories with/of Melissa that once gave me/Melissa great joy - because I love her/those things SO much and they are only echos or reruns. No new episodes. Fuuuck!
    2. Having to say things that will cause others any pain - because there's enough pain in the world, and this is overwhelming when I'm hurting others (causing just a little of what I'm going through). As I say, the karmetic cup is full, so ANY more hurt causes spillage.
    3. The worst is both -- thinking of Melissa not getting to sit on our back deck, and look out on our lake. She doesn't get that joy and I loved that for her. I loved watching her enjoy that. And talking about it hurts others.
  7. The problem is that I know that the easy fixes (like avoiding those thoughts/actions), isn't the right solution. This feels like desensitization is the better path -- but then that annoys everyone around you. ("Can you talk about something else Mr. Downer?!?!"). There's a balance to be found. And like when I learned to ride a unicycle, it may take a while.
Morris Albert
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Feelings song with lyrics. Probably more about break-ups. But death is the ultimate breakup.
  1. Things like this songs lyrics completely trigger bawling. And I never really liked this song (only remembering it from my youth).
  2. I also learn triggers like yesterday, I got my car washed and cleaned the Melissa out of the car, just the brushes/glasses/coats/etc (though she'll always be a part of it). And Teslas suck to try to get to go through an automatic car wash! (Neutral is impossible). Afterwards, I just wanted to go across the street to Savaas Greek Cuisine (Melissa loved it). I just wanted to tell the owner "Thank you for giving me a care package of falaffel/taziki to my wife the day before she died. It was one of the last kind acts of kindness towards her before she passed." and make the owner feel good about herself (she has her own struggles) and pass a little goodness on in this world. Instead, I blubbered most of it, and left her feeling pity for me, instead of pride for herself. Fucked that up; that was a swing and a miss. On something I thought would be easy.
  • Steps Forward I have to keep making Baby Steps forward (just one thing a day). Not to erase Melissa, but life is for the living.
  1. Melissa and I always had separate bedrooms. Just after marriage she had her first heart surgery, and needed her own bed to prop up arms (for sternum), etc -- and we sleep so differently, it was a key to marital bliss for us. (She liked a hot room, thin blanket, go to bed late, watch TV until she falls asleep, and is a kicker -- I like a cold room, sleep early, comforter around my ears, and no TV -- only a problem when we have guests or travel).
  2. Eventually, I'll move into "her" room. And that means it can't be a shrine to her. (Too fucking depressing).
  3. Day before Yesterday, I packed up Melissa's running medals. Those meant so much to her, they hurt to look at.
  4. Yesterday, I cleaned the Melissa out of the Tesla. She's infused in our home and my soul - but I don't need to bawl seeing her brush or sunglasses in the car every time I get in it.
  5. Today, I'll take down her Flight Attendant Shrine/Map that I made for her. (A map of all the place she, I, or we, had been together. Along with her pins/badges/etc.


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🔗 More

Grief
02/18 my wife had a 2023_Heart_Attack, and passed away on 03/22/23; the hardest day of my life. Except for the ones after it.



Tags: Grief


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