Day 34

Member of the Widows Club: worst club ever. How do you help? Understand the wound is physical and not just in their head. Member of the Widows Club: worst club ever. What can you do to help? Start by understanding the wound is physical and not just in their head. What can you do to prepare? Talk about the uncomfortable, pre-accept, pre-forgive each other, share that you forgive. ℹ️ Info           Created: 2023-04-26

Herbie, the Love Bug - I just added a couple things I Facebooked about

Member of the Widows Club

Being a widow is a club that I hope you never join. All of a sudden, all these little touching moments that you see on TV and the movies, and used to think you got, you get. Stanford talking to his late wife, people visiting their grave, touching gestures to a photo/painting. Ohhhh... I see it now. It isn't just sweet, this is a profound tragedy for the character, the writer, and any others who are in the club. It's not a touching moment of pleasant memory, but a soul-crushing ritual as a desperate coping mechanism in tribute for love lost but never forgotten and a wound never completely healed over.

A lot of widows HATE when people say, "I get it"... when they can't. (There's a lot of rage on forums about that). "They think they do by comparing some other loss to what they're going through... but by saying they get it, they fucking don't! They can't." Heck, I thought I got it before too. I didn't. The scale and scope of loss, changes everything. I still take their words for what they are... a kind attempt to empathize, walk beside you, and show they care. But when they say they truly can't imagine, they are correct. I imagined it for 32 years in various nightmare scenarios (I knew of her heart condition, and every odd call could send the rush, "Please don't let this be the call"), and I'm one of the more stoic people I know. I've "handled it" far better than most as far as functioning, acceptance, and being ready to keep going. But it was still way bigger than my worst nightmares had imagined. It changes you. I'm not a huge crier. But there is a profound ache of sympathy for the bereaved, the love, and the loss. Ohhh. I see now. I wish I didn't. But I get it. It isn't just sweet, this is a profound tragedy for the character, the writer, and any others who are in the club. It's not a touching moment of pleasant memory, but a soul-crushing ritual as a desperate coping mechanism in tribute for love lost but never forgotten and a wound never completely healed over. I hope that you never have to really get it.

What can I do to help?

Very little but support them. It's up to them. Let me share a model (construct)

1. They lost someone they loved. Everyone gets that, and understands the idea of pain, loneliness. (Just not the depth/breadth). That's why they think they get it. Outsiders see hurt, and want to "fix it". Or "just get over it" or think "it's in their head, and they need to move on". Yeah, that's naive, and missing more than half of what's happening.
2. When you're in deep stress, your body starts dumping stress hormones (like cortisol), the fight or flight, anxiety, fear mechanism. And that chemical starts fucking with the gut biome, the way the brain wants to wire, what it wants to think about, and so on. It's a biochemical war on the psyche (and body). Seriously.
3. So think about this:
   1. a person lost their security, the person that makes them feel safe at the end of the day, part of their purpose, their emotional outlet/support/tension reliever.
   2. They also might have lost financial and time support raising kids, and so on.
   3. The world today IS far less safe for them than before.
   4. So this isn't in their head. But their head will react to it, dump these hormones which puts them on edge, and reinforces their fears... which dumps more hormones. Negative feedback loop.
   5. I had an anxiety disorder, so think of this as an anxiety disorder but it maps well to the physical reaction (and remedies). It's a fear of losing their loved one, and they have to face that fear every day, and they can't stop it.
4. So how can you help? Reduce their stress, and let them figure it out.
   1. Being a worry wart, and pushing them can quickly be a stress for them. You're forcing them to deal with things that hurt them, and they might avoid you. (You're hurting them, or making them hurt). They need to have control of the throttle, not you.
   2. You can ask them some of the things that magnify it, and alleviate those. If they're financially stressed, what can help that? If they're time stressed with their kids, how can you help that? (Being Uber, babysitting, etc). Getting them a maid for housework. That's what getting them food is about; alleviating a time suck. (They don't have to carry it all alone).
5. But they have the heavy lifting -- and have to decide to try.
   1. They have to learn to recognize they have a bad voice, and a good voice, and the bad voice has a megaphone, and how to ignore it and listen for the whisper (the good one). That's on them. (That will rewire their brain from grief to positivity).
   2. They can help combat cortisol with dopamine (or basically happy chemicals) -- exercise, meditation, sex/masturbation, dating (companionship), massage, hot bath/sauna, accomplishments. These all help with the chemical warfare. Most of those have to be taken care of by them. But you can suggest them, or help them.
   3. They have to be willing to voice their concerns, and accept help. They have to be willing to admit their fears/problems, and work on combatting them.
   4. So in the end they're a substance abuser addicted to grief. Like the psychologist changing a lightbulb: the lightbulb has to recognize the problem and really want to change. You just need to be there until they figure it out. And pushing them to change, will probably just get resistance or avoidance.

I think of it actually more as phobia of memories, mixed with phobia of getting over the grief. Either can trigger it. When you say anything, if they want to take it wrong, they will They feel alone -- so they can either dig themselves out, or dig in deeper. You say, "i'm there for you" -- and they can hear, "I have great support" or more likely because their brain is in a bad place chemically, "they mean well, but they can't know what I'm going through. I'm so fucking alone. I'm going to be alone forever. I hate my life". And so on. Them fixing the accomlishments one is hard because cortisol is telling them to stay home, be safe, don't exert (preserve calories you might need, don't risk dangerous outside without backup), and it's all too much. So they can't get started on tasks. I try to remind them that "how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time". Don't try to do it all, just set simply small process goals, like make lists of everything that needs to be done (easy since they're beating up on themselves)... and just do one thing today. Then they get it done, they get small hit of dopamine/satisfaction, and might do something else. As they keep doing it, they realize they're productive, and feel better. But it's SO hard to get started, when everything is telling you to hide and pout. So that's just some of it... but others want to help, without understanding that they have a wicked chemical imbalance that's fucking with their sleep, stress, perception of the world, motivation. They feel alone/afraid of the future/in pain/loneliness/loss -- and want confirmation bias to prove themselves right (so they find it everywhere). Anything you say, can irritate or help prove them right (to themselves) -- no matter how you mean it. They are stuck in a feedback loop, and it takes a LONG time to dig out, if ever. They have to learn about their good voice/bad voice. But they aren't in a place where they want to listen, especially to people who haven't gone through what they are going through. And since THEIR person is special, and their relationship unique -- nobody else can really understand completely... so it's mostly up to them.

• What can you do to prepare yourself/spouse? I hope you never have to deal with it, but there are things you can do for grief insurance.

1. Talk about what you want for the funeral/cremation and various ceremonies.
2. What you think about DNR's or what things you'd want a chance to live with, or rather be let go from?
3. Trade responsibilities occasionally (so you're not a lost duck on self sufficiency)
4. Make sure you don't have regrets (know you tried) -- and try harder by remembering this could happen at any time.
5. Alleviate each others guilt.
   1. That you want them happy, and to remarry, date,
   2. Let them know what they mean to you
   3. And that all the past transgressions have long been forgiven in the face of death. Neither of you was perfect, but were good enough for each other. When you're dead, you're not going to be remembering their failures, but all the times you were there for each other.
   4. That your death is not what you want to break them, and to do whatever they need to do to get through grief.
   5. Be the best spouse you can be. And learn to go easier on yourself. (Treat yourself as forgiving as you would someone else)

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Grief 02/18 my wife had a 2023_Heart_Attack, and passed away on 03/22/23; the hardest day of my life. Except for the ones after it.

Tags: Grief