Day 3

Life goes on for the living; and there's work to do. Talking to myself.

Life goes on for the living; and there's work to do. I got our property insurances worked out. I started talking to myself, working on post-cremation/memorial plans. And skipped all the other stages of grief to get to acceptance. (Or piled them all on at once)...

ℹ️ Info

Created: 2023-03-25

Insurance I keep doing so much better, I can go hours of living life almost normally. Then something silly happens and the sob monster clobbers me. I need to write an entry on the blog (some sting), of call on Melissa's phone; insurance is overdue, and I need to pay it. I just have to call them and explain Melissa has passed, and to contact me. Seems so easy, until the words start strangling me in my throat. With my brain going, "dude, hold it the fuck together".

Cheating

I kinda want the 5 stages of grief to be over. But I don't know that I believe in it as a rule. It's more these are a pool of things you can feel, all at once, but not like this is the recipe and order. I skipped denial; and acceptance was easy. But it doesn't change that some of the others are still hanging around, along with their less well known buddies.

Denial - not really. From the moment Theresa called me on Feb 18th, it was sureal, but real. This is the call you dreaded from before you got married. She might not die (she's so much stronger than people think), but this could be it. I never have the convenience of denying it. Anger - starting to get there. Is it wrong to be a guy, and try to divert hurt into anger? "You left me alone! You cheated me. Guys do stupid things so we get to die first! You left things unfinished! Now I have to do them. God damn it, you covered this home with things that remind me of you. Everyone who didn't love you was a dick! How can I go on, when everything reminds me of what I lost?!?! Why won't my face stop leaking?!?! You did this to me. Take it back. Please come back. I'm sorry. I need you!"... I'm starting to make mental lists of the things that annoyed me. I can finally park somewhere without my choice of spots being questioned, or drive without the quip, "I would have taken the other way". I can leave the toilet seat up. And so on. There was no Saint Melissa. She was a great person, and I loved her -- but like all people, their quirks can be annoying too. Bargaining - that was way earlier in the process. Along with prayer. There are no atheists in a foxhole. Feb 18th as soon as I got in the car to see if she was alright, that started... "God, we both know she's the better person, save her and take me... but make it quick and painless please". Or the ever popular, "I'm ready to get baptized again, for the low, low price of just saving my wife". "If you kill her, I'll never ever forgive you". And so on. Depression - I don't usually do depressed. When I'm "depressed" it's really more terminal apathy or anhedonia. The malaise and futility of everything... while still going through the motions. And there's a little of that. I combat and Overcoming Anxiety disorders, dealt with prior grief, and so far -- malaise part of depression can happen, and the lack of motivation, but not most of the rest. Acceptance - I often jump to that step. By day 3, I was pre-accepting many potential outcomes. So there's no real denial. She's completely gone. My life has changed. I have to start adulting, and stop depending on my partner. I'm alone. (Not as far as having no friends and family, but as in the person I looked forward to sharing with every day). Thus, this step is easy for me. But just because I'm there, doesn't mean the other steps are closed out. Those take more time to go away.

New Habit One of Melissa's annoying little habits was talking to herself. (And then talking to me in the exact same tone of voice, and getting annoyed when I didn't recognize that the last 15 seconds of that 30 minute monologue was directed at me). She got it... and we'd laugh about it, or I'd tease her about it. Men talk 7,000 words a day, and Women generally talk 20,000 -- and Melissa was above average. So a good lot of the 13,000 excess was directed to herself or the universe. It's part of the reason, I had man-land or the bathroom. While I don't have the same spoken word debt per day that she carried, when alone in a house or car, I am overdrawing my account. So I've found a little cathartic release in just talking to her. Telling her how my day is going, what I'm thinking, hoping that she's happy, and calling her out for leaving me. Infrequently arguing at her inflexibility, or telling me I'm wrong. Surprisingly, I'm getting some benefit out of occasionally being able to win and argument, or get my whole thought out without being interrupted -- even if we both know it's just verbal masturbation.

Parting Melissa Out So we're getting Melissa cremated... which begs the question about cremains. For now, like Laura Palmer, she's getting a nice decorative plastic bag (wrapped in a plastic box). (We used to do Twin Peaks / David Lynch parties, so I'm 100% sure she wouldn't mind). But we're also parting her out. She touched a lot of lives in life, and I expect to keep that tradition in death.

Her Mom wants a tablespoon for a charm to keep with her : Melissa would love that

Her OLDEST friend Debi wants a little for Día de los Muertos (that they celebrate): Melissa would love that too

Melissa had talked about having some of her remains sprinkled on Newport beach (a place she loved as a child)

Besides her Cyborg parts, I'm going to want a little piece of organic Melissa in a momento holder (if I'm going to talk to her/myself, I might as well have something I'm talking to, or something to hold on to when thinking of her)

Melissa would certainly want some of her remains in her happy place (our backyard/lake)... and since Lake Houston is Houston's water supply, it means everyone eventually gets a taste of Melissa

I was thinking of giving little party gifts with a little ash at the Memorial, but she wasn't that kind of girl

Adminstration

Created a Celebration of Life (Poll) -- to allow people to pick potential dates for Melissa's Memorial, leave assets/commentary, or just give me contact info. This will hopefully give me scale on how big a venue to book, as well as nuggets to add. I can't edit this (having my brother and friends help)... if could philibuster congress giving testimonial praising Melissa -- the best person I knew.

I cleaned the Tesla out. Both washed it, and removed Melissa's stuff. I have no idea where she squirreled her "key" (Card), since we both use the phone most of the time.

Started doing mail. Melissa had her way of doing things including bills (don't touch her stuff)... thus I'd been keeping things in neat piles for when she got back. Since that's not going to happen, I'm not going to become the hoarder or ignorer that my mother was. (We pulled like 20-something trashbags of mail/paperwork out of her house a year and a half ago).

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Grief
02/18 my wife had a 2023_Heart_Attack, and passed away on 03/22/23; the hardest day of my life. Except for the ones after it.

Tags: Grief