Day 27

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GriefDay 27
Society and Grief (societies ignorance causes grief complications), New Normal is more productive.
Society and Grief (societies ignorance causes grief complications), New Normal is more productive.
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Created: 2023-04-18 

Get Smart

  • Good Griefers Reading a lot of the grief forums, many (especially the younger ones) seem to have many/most of their problems because of external pressures on their grief and then much of the rest is because they are worried if they're doing it wrong. They aren't the problem, society (those that haven't experienced this kind of loss, but have strong opinions on it) are the problem.
  1. Society is profoundly ignorant, especially when they think they aren't. They read something like the 5 stages of grief and think they know. That was a paper by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross on some of the things (no particular order) that someone with a terminal diagnoses might deal with. It got stamped as a blueprint for all grief, and applid to unrelated experiences like the loss of a spouse. Yeah, not even close, and the author admitted she wished she'd never written it. Quoting it is a re-flag to me.
  2. Society is profoundly superstitious and judgy, they make up something like grief should last 1 year, and then thinks others are doing it wrong if they veer from that lane. But reality is that many are ofer the initial hurt quickly (days or week), then the deeper loss last a lifetime. Many are functional the whole time -- others get in loops/traps. But many think they know what it should look like, and those in grief are never quite conforming to that construct. But the outsiders construct is not what's important -- it's the grievers one that matters. So the outside can listen and not judge, or judge and be wrong.
Better off dead
I would never say that Melissa, or me, is better off with her dead. There isn't anything I wouldn't give to have her back. But as a Widow Friend said, losing his wife, forced him to be a better person.
  1. That doesn't mean there's some karmic lesson or balance served, no design that she had to die so that I could grow. Bullshit. And that growth comes with brutally deep cuts/scars/loss that isolates you from people/society that doesn't understand it, pretends they do, and knows exactly how you're doing grief wrong. You just usually have to let it go, because you're not going to win an argument with someone else and their beliefs (no matter what those beliefs are rooted in).
  2. But my life before Melissa (or when she was away on trips) was more active, and I kept myself far more busy, took more risks, had more drive (ate less, and worked out more, and generally lost weight). With her, I wanted her company, waited for her to do things, and generally was more content and home, and less driven. She also equated food with love, liked making meals, providing snacks or going out, and I did a lot more eating or snacking. Just in a month since the food train stopped, I've shed somewhere between 10-15 lbs (depending on benchmarking against high or low weight mark for a week).
  3. Without the contentment of her/home, I'm more likely to go out and hunt, do chores, do something to fill that contentment void. If I had a choice between playing on the computer with her watching TV next to me on the couch, or doing chores or working out? The less healthy option often wins (with her around). With that option removed? I'll go do something. I might not be as content, but it's not a bad life.
  1. It's like given the choice of sex and a post coital nap, or going and working out; a cuddle and snore is the less healthy and more likely option. (Ignoring that that would still leave 23 hours and 53 minutes in the day). But without the option of the former, I might as well get my lazy ass out and do something. And of course it's not just about sex, I meant that about almost any variation of spending time with her, or going out and doing something alone.
  2. I couldn't do things in the morning, because it would wake her up. And except for Saturday runs, that eliminated often 3-4 productive hours between 5 and 9 AM).
  3. At night, generally, she wanted a bigger meal for dinner, and the time to talk around the table... then afterwards it was more heavy after the meal and she wasn't a big, let's go out, kinda person. (Her activity cycle was mid day).
  4. So I loved her ADHD energy, and watching her buzz around, running on caffeine and adrenaline. But without her doing it, someone has to -- and that's me picking up the gap. It does make the days go by faster.


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02/18 my wife had a 2023_Heart_Attack, and passed away on 03/22/23; the hardest day of my life. Except for the ones after it.

Tags: Grief

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