Day 25

From iGeek
< Grief
GriefDay 25
Big life decision coming; the memorial ends grieving for what was, and living in the moment. So deciding the future.
Big life decision are coming. The memorial ends the grieving for what was, or living in the moment. What's left is deciding the future. Which can be statis (holding on while deciding), or doing what I've done before, and remaking into something else. I've worn many hats... and the last one is gone. So what's the next one?
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Created: 2023-04-16 
  • Hill Street Blues
  1. Sleep is being a bit more elusive, but little of it is about grief (or the cortisol that comes with it). Week 1 was wallowing in grief (and self pity). Week 4 (or Week 9 since the heart attack), is about resurection. Not of my wife, but of my life before marriage. I started with acceptance, but was wallowing in the present (and that was of being a Widower). But I'm doing what I've done a dozen times in my life; moving forward from just suriving in the moment to adapting towards the new future.
  2. What's next? I've remade myself many times; from the scared and lonely kid at age 5, to the self-sufficient one. From the bullied/abused child, started becoming the bully in my teens before I got control of myself and became a Martial Arts instructor and defender of others. From healthy, to anxiety ridden, to someone who beat their anxiety disorder/phobias and helped others. I went from contractor to employee, sole contributor to VP (and back to sole contributor (or manager). From So-Cal, to Central-Cal, to Ohioan, Austonian, Silicon Valley, to Texan. So what's the next me going to be?
  3. Marriage is about us. Single is about me. A lot my purpose was to make Melissa happy. I didn't choose to be single -- but like in marriage, while I get a vote, someone else decided the tie breakers. While I was a really good husband -- before marriage I was a really good Martial Artist and had more activities. Instead of letting Melissa to work the contacts, activities and travel, and being her support -- the purpose in life is more self interested. I'm back to trying to be a good single person. And is this how I want to stay?
    • Healthcare was a crudgel used by M, to keep me working (for her healthcare). But looking into that the other day, it's not close to a barrier for me retiring either with her, or certainly now without her (at 1/3rd the cost).
  4. After the memorial, I'll end this part of the blog. I'm not "over" grief... in that Melissa will always be a part of my life and past, and part of how I became who I am. But I'm done with this part of my life -- the statis between Husband, Widower, and whatever is next. And the house and life needs to continue the journey from reflecting "us" to representing "me".
  5. My biggest decisions are around work-life balance. A couple decades ago, I shifted from defining myself by my job -- to it being a job. Bad managers only had the agency I gave them. And while I don't currently have bad managers, I'm trying to decide if it's time to: (a) focus on my job like before (b) focus on my life (c) stay in the middle. My current job is great in the middle; good enough job that gives me good enough satisfaction, balance and good enough pay. But if I want to go back to my career potential, it would be somewhere else. If it's focusing on my life (what good is fuck you money, if you won't go enjoy it?), then it's time to become globe-trotting retiree, or do something crazy like go live in Iran for a while, then it's probably bye-bye to job. Or the decision of indecision; taking a sabatical and leave of absence to hold me a spot and see where my head is at in 6 months or a year.


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02/18 my wife had a 2023_Heart_Attack, and passed away on 03/22/23; the hardest day of my life. Except for the ones after it.

Tags: Grief

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