Wednesday; Setback. Back to CCU. Drove in a Husband, drove home a widower with a broken heart.
2023-03-22 (Wednesday) - Setback. Back to CCU. Drove in a Husband, drove home a widower with a broken heart.
|It is with sincerest apologies that I might break it this way to people who don't know. Mary and I tried to call many people and relay the message more personally. But writing is my catharsis and outlet. And a lot of people I might not get to, will read this.
- Summary They called me at 4:00am. Melissa was having trouble breathing, was lethargic, and an X-ray showed that she might have a blockage (megacolon), and her white blood cell count was spiking. They were sending her from Rehab back to CCU (Walter 10-22). I drove down and now we wait. Poor girl is back on the vent (what she hates), and a bit of a restart.
The worst day of my life
At 11:52pm the love of my life died. What happened is that her entire colon was blocked up, and it was causing septic shock. They stabilized her but it was too late for anything but removing her colon. I don't care about my wife having a bag, but it's not about me, it's about her (and her wishes). She was "done" weeks ago. She wanted her life back -- and this latest setback robbed her of the last hope. We had done a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) for a reason, and this was it. She fought as long as she could. The choice was make her suffer, and (a) the best case would end up torturing her with a life she couldn't stand (blind, neuropathic pain, her hobbies of running, cooking, dominoes, organizing, or most of the things she loved were gone)... or (b) there was the far more likely path was torturing her poor little body with more trauma before she would still eventually pass due to complications from not being ambilatory. (You can't heal if you can't move, and she wasn't yet mobile, and gutting her was going make it worse). With the help of family, I chose to follow her wishes, let her suffering end, and let my partner of 32 years go back to God.
- What if? I'd talked to Mary and pondered, what if Melissa had just died on February 18th, when she went down. Melissa wouldn't have had to deal with all those challenges. But then she wouldn't have gotten to say "hi" and "goodbye" too all her friends that visited. Melissa wouldn't have gotten to prove what a tough little fighter and odds defier she was. Mary wouldn't have gotten to be a Mom to her baby girl for the last month of her life. And I would have had 33 fewer days with her. They weren't all good days, but I cherish every one (and the 11,680 others that we were together).
- Story of us There's a little thing I'd been working (slowly). Some sampling of photos of things we'd done over the years. It's nowhere near complete... but hints at the beautiful zest for life and being that was my wife. One of the greatest gifts we got was EARLY in our marriage (still newlyweds), we had to go through open heart surgery. (Replacing her double-bypass). It gave us perspective on what was really important. I might be a dick, but I was there for her whenever she needed me. She might annoy me, but I was always lucky to have time with her.